nevita’s Blog

what else could one write about except the feelings that need to be submerged and understood in a much better form.my thoughts now are jumbled…i hate it when i couldn’t restore my peace of my mind but there are things you can’t help but  leave it be…

i’m not perfect as surely everyone is…when you’ve done something you know isn’t right you do ask for forgiveness and plead your case so everything gets to be patched up.i’ve done something that i ain’t proud of.coz being talked behind the back is not surely a good thing and i’ll be a hypocrite if i say i do not do such…i told someone about the  feelings i had about a conversation i had with a certain person.i tried to interpret behind each line of what she said and found varied meanings to what she was saying.i just don’t know why but at that point in time…i was really bothered coz i get irritated usually by snotty remarks and all…especially if it wants to pierce you and make you feel less…-at that time i emphasize-.and so i divulged my bitchiness and hurt to someone who got to tell someone and that someone said it to someone until my words reached the person i had the conversation with.she confronted me thru text and i told her it was my own doing and though i do not know what version of my story she heard out…i apologized for hurting her and my lack of respect.still she remained indifferent to me up to now…

this has been the cause of my desperation and lack of peace…i wished for things to just go back the way it was…i tried to hurry up things…and to reach out…but it doesn’t work out as fast as that…time has to heal her and  teach me that despite my efforts to bringing things back as they were,i am tried by God to unwaver in hoping for my much sought reconciliation by being humble and granting her her own terms…my point is, all things considered i need to be patient…to just hold on…if i give in to my anxiety,i’ll just be the one badly hurt and in the end, will lead to my own self-destruction.

i have not blogged for such a time mainly because i was off busy doing other things.and for a time my writer’s mind wandered off to neighboring lands trying to find a better way to start a new post again.and i’m busy with my angel…nit2,who’s growing so fast i couldn’t imagine him before anymore.he’s 8 months and so likot.he grabs on to anything he sees(well i just remember last night he was off trying to catch his shadow at 12 midnight);he walks,crawls and rolls without a care in the world;he whines when i leave him alone;and best of all,he never fails to surprise me!everything with my son is exciting even trying to make him stop to cry and changing his goo-filled diapers!it’s amazing living with my JOSIAH NATE..!

love…yup i’ll blog about that.love has so many meanings but still it is the most confusing and misunderstood feeling in the world…no matter what the reason is that you feel love or in-love,you still have your own reasons why you feel it aside from the numerous meanings given it.why,how,what or how do we gave to love?for me…in my own simple terms without the deepest words to use…to love is to save your best for a person…to not be afraid to let go but instead wish all the happiness for that person and to be able to feel love without expecting anything in return…not creating standards and not set conditions to entitle you the right to love and be loved.love is free flowing,it has no certain direction,it forever travels among a vast nothingness(nothingness means something that one can’t decipher and put a word to).one of the most inspiring meaning about love for me comes from kahlil gibran’s the prophet.let me share it it you…

“THEN said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell
a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind
lays waste the garden.
FOR even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches
that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging
to the earth.
LIKE sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become
sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
ALL these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets
of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
BUT if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness
and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all
of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
LOVE gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.”

hope your cups are overflowing with so much love….

BLIND BY LIFEHOUSE

I was young but I wasn’t naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we’d be here
Never thought we’d be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn’t make you see it
Couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you’ll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we’d be here
Never thought we’d be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn’t make you see it
Couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you’ll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn’t make you see it
Couldn’t make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you’ll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

*thank you!i love you more than you’ll ever know

amidst the heat of the hayden kho and katrina halili et. al. sex scandals,i post this blog…i pity those women who were so naive and unassuming to have a sacred act with this maniac of a man!but the thing is,it’s all out.and not one of them could deny it anymore.yet,why now would people make a big deal about it now?just because celebrities are the victims of this misfortune?scandals have been rampant since the technology of cameras…we are continually at battle with this hideous,egoistic and sexual predators in our society.why make a big fuss now?how about those ordinary individuals whose faces have been plastered in explicit videos who shamefully hide because they can’t say a thing…because they shy from the possibility of concealing more than should be?what i would like to emphasize is this is not only a battle of katrina halili et. al…this is a battle for women and children who are exploited in a society where only the famous get noted…let’s not let this monstrosity precede its occurence.let’s help and counsel women against abuse!make a stand…

in retrospect to all i’ve written here,this perhaps maybe the saddest blog i’ve had.it has been written out of a hurt,bleeding and confused heart.

life!!!what should one do if there are so many restrictions and criticisms and all?do you emerge out of a web of insanity sane enough for the next series of web?do you get to show these people that you’re out here to fight and be the last man standing?wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh?!!

believe me,i’m insane from head to foot…that’s why i always am more insane when i’m face to face with my fears,insecurities and shortcomings…i want to go out there and help my family financially so i could provide without anyone questioning me or what.i want to go out there and prove to my son that he could depend on me.i want to be out there and build a better me(since i’m still haunted by human complexities.i would have wanted to have been someone independent and free of chains and be able to believe that i am not a child anymore.that i am a woman,a mother,a friend or companion,a distinct and single entity…that rather than depend ,to provide and deliver a more developed and role for my family to see…

but here i am…writing behind a blog…hiding my cowardice and denying myself the opportunity to discover what needs be done or what i need to freeing my mortal nature…

Lord,please help me…please enlighten me…AMEN

lai…

a name you might not give much attention to…someone you might not know…and yet to me it’s part of my life.the person behind the name to whom i dedicate this to…

my sister is LAI.she’s got an infectious laugh or in simple terms “buhakhak” so when she does that talent of hers you can’t help but trail along with her.she feels she’s so funny(but i don’t really tell her so coz it might get to her head) and once again because of this special talent she’s popular among her peers and is very favored.she is easily smitten with cute guys and is very much a fan of love though she keeps away from relationships and all for she feels that it might not be good for her health just yet.just so you know her special saying in terms of love is to kiss as many frogs as she can until she can find her prince but it’s not applicable for her.hehehe.(sorry mam)…coz i know deep down she’s so conservative and proper despite the exterior.she loves to giggle a lot…as in…and when she giggles para siyang nanggigil so she turns to pinching you,spanking you or throw at you….she loves to even box our dad!(phewww!).i miss that trademark of hers.it has been months since i have not been battered by lai(thanks a lot! but still deep down i kinda miss it…nah…id rathered be free from the abuse…hehehe).she loves to eat but she is also disciplined when it comes to dieting for she feels immediately conscious and hurt when people comment on her figure so you gotta be kind on that area or else it might haunt her for life!she craves for spaghetti and spaghetti and spaghetti…and what else?yeah…more spaghetti…i guess she can live a year just eating that.she super uber digs on a lot of music stuff…she has so many favorite artists as evidenced by her profile in friendster. and she easily gets the lyrics to songs…(try to ask her and see).she sings so much and all(well,naturally she sings in that loud voice of hers and for such a time i did not hear her sing…hehehe.i kinda miss reprimanding her to stop).there was this one time because of that intense fervor for music she saved money to buy an MP3 player worth 800pesos.since our allowance to school was just meager for our needs so she skipped on her weekday daily snacks even though she’s tempted to buy herself the yummy siomai and all.she evaded those temptations until came the day that she finally bought her hinahangad na MP3 player.she was so happy back then that finally she could buy snacks for herself.she’s smart though she doesn’t boast of it but sometimes she does especially if we’re on the verge of breaking each other’s neck(hehehe…).she loves to dress up and would call to my attention all the flaws of my besotted fashion sense(don’t dare angal little sis…hehehe.bigger than me pala).if she had all the money,i guess she’ll invest a lot in her wardrobe coz it’s something that makes her feel beautifaul..to dress up instyle!she loves DEIRDRE…and mind you…i need to let this all out…she kisses our dog in the lips even if she didn’t brush her teeth.poor drarang coz it gets to share with lai’s bad breath(PEACE)…well it’s the other way around really.our dog has never had a dental check-up in her life and is scared to death when given toothpaste and still,lai with all her natural quirkiness, kisses deirdre with so much passion(you should see it…it’s so eowwwwieee!)she loves to chika…she loves to get on my nerves…she loves to answer back(and so has a rebelde side as well).she loves to be herself.with all these things…that makes her one hell of a girl.there could never be another LAI in mine life.hihihihi.

lai…

it’s been8 months since i got to be with her(though thanks to the internet we get to see each other thru webcam and talk with each other thru yahoo).but it’s different being a thousand miles away from a person you’ve been with for ages.i miss lai’s entirely different package in my life.and it sure would be good to fight with each other again(getting on each other’s nerves is our favorite vission-mission) and to laugh and watch tv together and to eat and just hang-out with lai’s daily dose of chika.i miss it all…

lai…

and now it’s her birthday and i can’t be with her personally…so i hope she’ll be able to read this and see how wonderful my life has been and still is because of her.i will always love you and i miss you in ways you can’t imagine.i wish you to find that one thing in everyone’s life that will make it more complete and accomplished.i wish you to find your beauty within…enrich it…and be more beautiful with each passing day.i wish for you a whole lot of happiness…peace…and hope…and lots of love.i wish you’d be much closer and grow in the hands of our creator.happy birthday sis!!!(p.s. i wish  for you lots of spaghetti plates to simot and lots of frogs to kiss…hehehehe)

lai…

someone who rings a bell in my heart and soul.someone who i’ll treasure in my whole existence and in my never-ending after…

for you:

‘Do not fear,for I am with you;do not anxiously look about you,for I am your God.I will strengthen you,surely I will uphold you by My righteous hand.”

-Isaiah 41:10-

i hope your holy week made you closer to our heavenly father! i hope that you’ve realized how important He is to our lives. and i hope you had the chance to think deeper spiritually.

last night; nit2x ,jake and i sent off my dad to on his way to manila at pier 4.he carried nit2x in his arms and jake and i carried his luggage.it was quick yet it was a definitive moment for me as a daughter.my dad spent the last three days with us.three days that showed me a side of my dad i never thought was there.despite my inhibitions and hesitations,it turned out to make me realize that people can change for the better and for that , kudos to my dad.

the last time i saw my dad,it was two months ago.we were distant back then and a bit of unable to be with each other most of the time.since i was a kid we had this space between us that neither i or he could penetrate.i thought it was bound to be like that and that i just had to accept it.sometimes i did hope but most of the time i gave up hoping and that was wrong of me…to stop hoping.

when my dad came home(it was 1 am so i was a bit tipsy from sleep),he immediately came forward to me.he asked me how i was and looked at the sleeping nit2x.he brought us pasalubongs…hehehe…and he gave me three books which he bought himself from national bookstore.then he ate our sinigang na bangus and was telling us stories about his trip and stay in manila.people from his boarding house gave him his alias name “baby ama” coz he was bald and they all spoke of him fearfully for he kept the peace and order among his boardmates.hehehe.and he spoke of how hard his situation was out there.the next days my dad would never tire with his storytelling and would never tire babysitting nit2x.he was amazed by how big  nit2x is and by how easily one could bring out a smile out of his cute and chubby face.my dad kept us so full even though it was time for fasting(we did not eat lunch though).he would cook fish(his favorite…any kind of fish usually the big ones as long as they’re fresh and my dad likes ‘KILAWIN”…jake and he would eat so much of such and they even got to let me taste one time).we would watch movies together and laugh together and everything.yesterday,before his trip back to manila he even cooked binignit and it was so yummy.the three days have been so good to us and we were very happy TOGETHER.there was never a dull moment.i would surely miss his cofee,his ‘i see’s,his lip tricks when playing with nit2x,his coking,his laugh and concern.i will really miss him…

God made me realize forgiveness and acceptance in this season of lent and i’m so blessed having a dad like my dad…i hope we would never stop hoping for the best in other people.i hope we would reach out more to those people we couldn’t stand to be with and be able to share our blessings with them no matter how hard it may be.

before my dad checked-in,he gave me a hug and a kiss on my forehead.in that moment…i felt so much peace and love.

daddy.i love you!!!=)

this is my first blog ever since i’ve turned to be the age of 23…what should one feel to grow in years???well,i’ve been contemplating so many things these past few days,going through other people’s blogs ang trying to identify myself as an individual,reminiscing my past as far as i could venture,torturing myself by pushing myself and multitasking and doing so many things,and praying to God if the decisions i make would make me selfish or just plainly points out that i am a person with a purpose designed for me to do on this borrowed time…

i want to go out there and do something about almost everything…i know i can do such…here i am,just listing these thoughts out.ready to defend them if anyone ever questions the motives of my blog…

…first of all, i just think that we were born here on earth for something.that something that will identify us as “you”.the purpose of our lives will give meaning to each day added…which will make us complete and sure that everyday is worth living and getting up to.as for me,i really like to draw,sketch and paint.i’ve never had any formal lessons in such…i do wonder why when i do such thing, i feel so close to heaven and that each stroke,curve and brush is essential to my existence.i feel more alive when i’m at it.i do not know actually who influenced me to take ART as a romantic venture.no one in my family actually does it for a living.my parents are very practical people ever since i was a young kid.perhaps by chance it just dawned upon me when i was in highschool that i can do it.you know…i once wanted to join the drafting class back in highschool and i regret it now why i didn’t take it but anyways my computer instructor back then rocked our world so there’s no use crying over spilled milk.my mom and dad were not much into art as well, though my dad can pass as a craftsman for creating a modified comfort room and “labahan” in our house before.and my mom ,her art is in healing people which she wanted  to pass on to us but unluckily i rebelled against such path.my sister ,though, loves fashion.i still want to take formal lessons but they cost so much…i need a lot of dough to get in.so,i’m trying to stretch my patience a mile ahead and thanks to the internet access(even though it’s dial-up)…i’ve been hitching on a certain site to study art more and more.i’m studying how to do portrait right now…it’s so hard to draw a perfect human face.you see we are all uniQue and eyes differ from one person to another.they convey what’s inside our souls.i can say i’m so much not good at it yet.i’m practicing but have not gotten ahead of it.but one step at a time is all i can do.i hope to share my art one of these days.not so i can brag about it or what but seeing someting that i created makes me feel very happy and independent and complete.please wish that by the end i can actually create something that will define me as an artist as well.tada!

…i love books!!!recently,i just finished all of bob ong’s books.and you can say i’m a fan.i have a lot of catching up to do on my reading what with  the amount of e-books i’ve collected in jake’s PC and with the number of books sent to me by my mom and sister(God bless them!).no one in my family typically loves to read.my mom and dad pounced on newspapers but never on fiction or thick books/novels.i don’t know who mainly enticed me to journey through different realms of thoughts.but to date back,i started reading a book when i was in grade two.i remember it was Billy-bob by enid blyton(c/o st. joseph academy’s libary and pray please don’t tell that i actually never got to return the book).when i was in third grade,i craved fot Sweet Valley books by francine pascal(with the famous jessica and elizabeth wakefield)-i would use to borrow from my classmates  and read it for over two hours.then i progessed to tagalog romace pocket books and the little princess(which i was so proud to finish overnight back then) when i was in grade six…to harry potter and such in high school(though i’ve read numerous authors at that time as well)…and during college when i’ve met my favorite ones like sidney sheldon,rosamunde pilcher,danielle stelle and V.C Andrews and the classics(Jane Eyre and the Scarlet letter to name a few….).as you can see,i’m so engrossed  with reading.it’s something that i’m so happy the Lord blessed me with…the ability to read.coz with this i cannot only be an empty cup/chalice but with each book i read it energizes me and fills the my cup nearly to the brim no matter how conflicting they may be.

…as a human being,i wish to give more.perhaps with each news deliverd on TV,you get to see how ironic it is to live in an impervious,toxic and imperfect  world.despite that very fact though more people are reaching out each day to touch us with there own glimse of heaven and make us realize that we can be something to others if we want to…as God perfectly designed for each of us to find a way to make a difference.i hope that those who’ll be able to read this blog will get to thinking how wonderful it is to live…and how unique we all are.that in order to make a difference we don’t need a lot of money,we just have to share whatever we have and shine as a separate person by using the abilities given to us by God.

…as a mother,i am definitely learning more about my son josiah as evidenced by my last blog.i wonder what he will be in the next years to come or how i will evolve as his nana.the thing is,i don’t want to expect anything from my son…setting up my expectations or goals for him would mean being in the way of God in the grand scheme of things.i know He has a purpose for josiah and josiah was given to me at this certain place and time for a purpose as well.i am here just as josiah’s nana…someone to guide him and shield him while he’s still like a little plant.but along the way he has to set his own navigational compass and sail the seas alone no matter how rough they are with God as his Creator!my goal would be to enlighten him of his existence,equip him with tools for his journey and provide him with as best as i hope i could.so as a new parent…i wish that i could be all that God wants and plans me to be.i hope i would and i will.

oh!nit2x is crying na…got to go.

P.S.hope to share with you this bible verse:

Hebrews 11:6, “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” (NIV)

fly by jars of clay

be still
let your hand melt into mine
the part of me that breathes when you breathe is losing time
i can’t find the words to say
i’ll never say goodbye

CHORUS:
and i’ll fly with you through the night
so you know i’m not letting go
i’m not letting go
my tears like rain fill up the sky
oh, my love, i’m not letting go
i won’t let you go

i saw the host of silent angels waiting on their own
knowing that all the promises of faith
come alive when you see home
hold still and let your hand melt into mine

[CHORUS]

shed your heart and your breath and your pain and fly

now you’re alive
now you’re alive
now you’re alive
now you’re alive

i won’t let you go
i’m not letting go
i won’t let you go
i’m not letting go
i won’t let you go

fly by jars of clay

be still
let your hand melt into mine
the part of me that breathes when you breathe is losing time
i can’t find the words to say
i’ll never say goodbye

CHORUS:
and i’ll fly with you through the night
so you know i’m not letting go
i’m not letting go
my tears like rain fill up the sky
oh, my love, i’m not letting go
i won’t let you go

i saw the host of silent angels waiting on their own
knowing that all the promises of faith
come alive when you see home
hold still and let your hand melt into mine

[CHORUS]

shed your heart and your breath and your pain and fly

now you’re alive
now you’re alive
now you’re alive
now you’re alive

i won’t let you go
i’m not letting go
i won’t let you go
i’m not letting go
i won’t let you go